Whether you’re trapped on a train or bus in sweltering heat or walking umbrella-less in a thunderstorm, no one likes to be caught commuting in inclement weather.
And living in Chicago, you never know what kind of crazy climate you might encounter. While the winter can bring freezing temps and snow, summer can bring sticky hot bodies and downpours (and oh so much B.O. stink *gag*).
So here’s a completely (in)accurate guide to what to do if you find yourself commuting in less-than-stellar weather.
If you’re …
… caught in a downpour without an umbrella.
Why should you have to get soaked while everyone else gets to dryly scamper about under the protective cover of a canopy? You shouldn’t. So pick a random person to buddy up with, make a beeline to their backside and sneakily walk behind them like a total creep—not so close that you’re breathing on them (because that would give you away, duh) but just close enough to use the extra space under their umbrella as shelter from the rain. Sharing IS caring, after all.
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… on a bus or train with no air conditioning.
When people are hot, sweaty and uncomfortable—packed tightly on a rail car or bus and robbed of the refreshing blasts of cool air on their necks—it’s best to get as close as you possibly can to them. Not only do your fellow commuters want to feel the blazing sun scald their skin through the windows, but they also want to feel your radiating body heat penetrate their personal space. We all especially love when you reach up and unleash the underarm stank you’ve had festering in your pits all day.
… waiting at a bus or train station in 90-plus degree heat.
Hey-oh! Can you say free sauna? Get your pre- or post-work perspiration on while melting helplessly in Chicago’s lava-hot temps. Just sweat it out. While your body excretes all its moisture, make everyone else around you uncomfortable. Peel off your sweat-soaked clothes and start fanning your neighbors with them because they’re probably just as scorched. How thoughtful of you.
… out and about when it’s especially blustery.
Why hold onto your hats, clothes or hair when you could make like Elsa from “Frozen” and just let it go? Welcome the freedom a pollution-filled gust of air to the face can give you. Or make friends with a fellow Chicago walker and use that person’s body to shield you from the forceful breeze. And while you’re at it, just let the wind take whatever trash you have in your hands to litter the city. Because where else are you supposed to put it? *eye-roll*
… commuting via bus, train, rideshare or cab during a thunderstorm.
You should absolutely take your wet umbrella and put it on the seat next to you. The fabric on those seats is SO absorbent, it’s like it just sucks up all the water. Crazy, right? And other people love to question what liquid they just sat in—it’s like a game! Is it pee, beer or water? If you’re standing and others around you are sitting, “accidentally” whack them in the face with your swinging rain guard. And if your raincoat is drenched, make sure to squeeze into the only seat open on the CTA, bathing your comrades with your beaded rainwater.
@RianneCoale | [email protected]
The Transit Diaries runs in RedEye’s print edition every Tuesday on Page 4. If you have a story you’d like to share, email us at [email protected] with “Transit Diaries” in the subject line.