As a result of the killing of Professor Larry Levine and eight of his students at Umpqua Community College in Oregon in October, carried out by another of his writing class (English 115) students who subsequently turned his gun on himself, it is clear that the college composition class which I start teaching in the new year cannot be the same as it was, and may never be the same again.
Effective immediately, the course requirements have been modified as stipulated in the following revised course syllabus. And, on the first day of class in January, once each student has been screened, searched and cleared to enter the classroom, they must sign and date the syllabus to indicate they have read it, understood it and agree to all terms.
Syllabus for Composition II (Revised as of Oct. 1, 2015)
Course Description: A seminar in essay writing (a required class at most U.S. colleges and universities) including practice in critical reading and analysis of texts, as well as an introduction to researching and properly documenting sources.
Prerequisites: High school diploma, criminal background check and psychological test completion certificate.
Fees: A mandatory $95 fee for our class monitor (a professional armed guard), shall be turned in at the Treasurer’s Office by the end of the second week.
An optional $49 intramural life insurance policy is available. Coverage includes funeral and litigation costs, and other standard death benefits, contingent on individual or class-action lawsuits.
Required Course Materials:
Flak Jacket: A federally approved bulletproof vest must be worn at all times in the Humanities Building. If you don’t own one, a Point Blank Guardian Ballistic Vest will be provided at a cost of $191.25 to own, or $60 to rent. School roadrunner logo is $20 extra. Please specify S, M, L or XL.
Text: We will have no actual books. The money formerly used to buy the McGraw-Hill College Handbook and the Bedford Reader will go, instead, toward security fees, life insurance and personal armor protection.
For lessons, drills, grammar rules and readings, we will rely on Google.
Assignments: Students must maintain a minimum average grade of C for the following three major papers, in addition to homework, quizzes and free writing exercises:
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1. Personal or Experiential Essay (1,000 words): An autobiographical essay entitled “Getting to Know Me,” complete with names and last known addresses of past acquaintances either spurned, estranged, blocked from Facebook or suddenly and uncharacteristically taciturn while still manifesting a trace presence where you live. Please make one copy for the FBI and another for your instructor.
2. Argumentative Essay on the Second Amendment (1,500 words): A documented essay in MLA format entitled, “Guns Don’t Kill People; Liberals Do,” arguing that the right to bear arms is not restricted to a well-regulated militia, but that our forefathers wanted, instead, unfettered access to weapons of mass destruction for every loner, misanthrope, iconoclast, psychopath and anti-social, suicidal/homicidal individual not fit to be in any kind of militia, especially those recently rejected by the U.S. Army. (An essay espousing opposing views will earn an automatic F as it essential that our classroom be perceived as friendly and sympathetic to gun advocates, in case any are on or near campus and having personal issues.)
3. Character Sketch (500 words): Choose a congressman, an NRA pay-roller or a presidential candidate for an essay entitled, “Profiles in Courage,” paying tribute to their undying loyalty to gun manufacturers; their brave refusal to acknowledge the significant reduction in gun deaths in Australia and other countries that passed stricter gun laws; and their John Wayne-type cool in categorizing the 8,000 Americans fatally shot each year merely as “stuff” that happens in this country.
Objectives:
Achievement: Students will develop college level writing skills and formulate their own strategies for analyzing texts and thinking critically.
Safety: Every day, each student must walk through a portable metal detector and submit to a random pat down by classroom monitor (Officer Bill) before entering Room 102.
Class Climate: The college respects every student, but each of you is a threat. Our goal may be literacy, but our watchword is fear.
Exceptions: All by-rules, assignments and policies are subject to change at the discretion or sudden demise of the instructor.
David McGrath, a former resident of Evergreen Park and Oak Forest, is an emeritus professor of English at the College of DuPage.