Imagine: Death threats. A $1 million bet. And it all rests on one. Round. Of golf.
Uh, there’s a reason thrillers aren’t set on the fairway. No matter how intense the music, it’s just not suspenseful to watch someone hit a long drive. Supposedly based on actual events, “The Squeeze” stars Jeremy Sumpter (J.D. McCoy on “Friday Night Lights,” Peter Pan in 2003’s “Peter Pan”) as Augie, a talented small-town golfer who seems like a walking cash register for Riverboat (Christopher McDonald), an unintended caricature of every previous onscreen hustler if the guys were flattened with a spatula as their edge burned off on the grill. Riverboat’s treatment of Augie isn’t intimidating; this is just a low-budget, faith-based “White Men Can’t Golf,” with no significant roles for minorities.
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“Follow your heart, baby, not your wallet,” advises Augie’s girlfriend Natalie (Jillian Murray), who still feels the need to add, “Riverboat is not the answer. He’s a one-way ticket to hell.” That’s the level of dialogue from writer-director Terry Jastrow, who also suggests a person inexperienced with drinking alcohol will consequently spill a lot and should be ashamed of his movie’s third-rate poker scene and inability to be either snappy and fun or gritty and tough. Plus, when Riverboat asks hotshot golfer Aaron Bolt (Jason Dohring of “Veronica Mars”), “Are you really as good as everybody says?” and Aaron responds, “No, I’m better,” I’m pretty sure that was stolen from Zack Morris. Or A.C. Slater. Or someone on a badly written TV show.
Despite its ridiculous finale, “The Squeeze” never sinks to the depths of the unwatchable golf movie “Seven Days in Utopia,” which starred Lucas Black and Robert Duvall. You didn’t see it, I know, and I’m glad. But “Squeeze,” the kind of movie that should hit the road early and try topping itself, instead goes nowhere slowly. “The Squeeze” also insults with its indifferent attempt to draw in religious audiences without actually considering how its characters’ actions mesh with their beliefs. And the scenes of multiple, cartoonishly abusive men are just awful, especially when Augie’s dad is carted away by a cop who, attempting to be a badass and clearly never having seen an episode of “Law and Order,” says, “Consider this your Miranda.”
Later this year brings “Mississippi Grind,” a fantastic movie about gambling starring Ryan Reynolds and Ben Mendelsohn. Don’t miss it.
1.5 stars (out of four)
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