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Tracy Swartz
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Jimmy Greenfield
David Eldridge
TOPIC 1: IF THURSDAY WAS GREG MADDUX’S WRIGLEY FAREWELL, HOW DID YOU COMMEMORATE IT?
Because Maddux kept the celebration under control, it wasn’t a hit.
I trashed our office water cooler for old time’s sake.
I spent one hour and 45 minutes painting the corners of my apartment.
I studied the back of his baseball card and wept.
For some reason, acting on a compelling urge to see the new Indiana Jones movie.
TOPIC 2: AS A FAN, WHAT WOULD YOU WRITE ON A SIGN FOR EX-CARDINAL AND NEW CUB JIM EDMONDS?
“Chicago welcomes Cardinals who are skilled on defense.”
“Ozzie says Mr. Ed(monds) is horse$%(circumflex)&!”
“Haven’t you robbed us of enough?”
“We Love You, Jim! But If You Suck We Want You To Get The Hell Out Of Here!”
“Jimmy Baseball, I need you on my fantasy team!”
TOPIC 3: THE WHITE SOX TRAVEL TO SAN FRANCISCO NEXT. PRETEND YOU’RE THEIR TRAVEL GUIDE.
The city of Giants definitely won’t inspire Ozzie to be the bigger man.
This is earthquake country. Don’t let Bobby Jenks near any fault lines.
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Here are tickets for the neighborhood bar tour, and here’s the Hannibal Lecter restraint for Ozzie …
“Let’s do this San Francisco-style! OK, first thing: Everybody pick a buddy.”
Pink facial hair may lead to a misunderstanding in some neighborhoods.
TOPIC 4: IF TONY ROMO TRULY HAS MOVED ON, with WHOM WOULD YOU SET HIM UP NEXT AND WHY?
I vote for Whitney from “The Hills” as hair apparent. Call them Whit Romney.
I hear Barbara Walters is pretty game.
It would have to be another famous singer with silky hair. Maybe that Josh Groban.
The Bush twin who’s still single. I forget, is her name Patty or Selma?
Tony Romo and Kyle Orton, two wiiild and craaaazy guys!
TOPIC 5: ‘REGGIE MILLER’ AND ‘INTERNET PARTY PHOTOS’ GO TOGETHER LIKE …
… Reggie Miller, long shots and smelling foul.
… “Steve Urkel” and “Chippendale dancing.”
… “Matt Leinart” and “New York Times crossword puzzle.”
… “David Eldridge” and “Internet porn photos.”
… “Kyle Orton” and “Internet party photos.”