It’s the wave of the future, folks — welcome to RedEye’s first all-Facebook Battle of the Fives. And we’re looking for more Facebookies (No? OK, we’ll work on that), so sign up at redeyechicago.com/facebookfives.
Jimmy Greenfield
Supriya Doshi
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Tracy Swartz
TOPIC 1: WHICH ATHLETE WOULD YOU INVITE TO BE A FACEBOOK FRIEND AND WHY?
Tony Romo. Jessica party pics, my friend.
“Athlete” means most of Chicago’s players are out, right?
Roger Clemens and Karl Malone, with NBC’s Chris Hansen secretly monitoring every word.
Matt Leinart and Cedric Benson — mostly for the access to the party pictures, I’m not gonna lie.
Benny the Bull to virtually high-five him. I’d hit that with a Wi-five.
TOPIC 2: THE D-BACKS CRUSHED THE CUBS IN THE PLAYOFFS. HOW DOES THAT AFFECT THIS WEEKEND’S SERIES?
Haunted by this loss, the Cubs will refuse to play and cry themselves to sleep.
Well, this series doesn’t count for so much, so expect the Cubs to win this time.
Thankfully, Rich Hill can’t give them any more first-pitch HRs down there in Triple-A Iowa.
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It gives Arizona a psychological advantage over the Cubs that only 14 other NL teams enjoy.
The Cubs will give the D-backs a chili reception to try to rattle them.
TOPIC 3: THE WNBA OFFERS ROOKIES HOUR-LONG COURSES ON MAKEUP AND FASHION. WHAT’S ONE OF THE TIPS?
Too much makeup will make you look like a whore.
Don’t wear heels on the court? I think the guys would want to get in on these classes too.
First tip: Dim the lights. Second tip: Soft-focus camera lenses …
Avoid eyeliner unless you want to be mistaken for Pete Wentz.
To dominate the paint for better man-to-man play.
TOPIC 4: PERFORMING CIRCUMCISIONS. PREACHING TO PRISONERS. WHAT CAN’T GATORS QB TIM TEBOW DO?
Perform circumcisions on preaching prisoners.
Hopefully not both at the same time.
Big deal, he gives speeches to prisoners. Doesn’t he get practice doing that in Gators huddles?
Figure out what the hell’s going on in “Lost.”
Nothing! He has done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SPORTS-RELATED COMMERCIAL AND WHY?
I’ve got TiVo. What’s a commercial?
Gatorade ads where they sweat colors. That’s just gross.
Split-screen NBA ads. If they wanted a player with two faces, why didn’t they ask Ben Wallace?
The Coors Light “venting” ad. Kind of loses its punch after the 15th viewing.
The Cubs game. Luckily, Cubs breaks never last.
Let’s meet our Facebook pioneers: Emily and Ellie are friends, Eric and James are regular online contributors, and Matthew’s wearing a banana suit. Peanut butter jelly time!
Emily Weller
Eric Kozak
Ellie Bahrmasel
James Taylor
Matthew Thompson
TOPIC 1: WHICH ATHLETE WOULD YOU INVITE TO BE A FACEBOOK FRIEND AND WHY?
Cedric Benson. So I can take his yacht for a cruise after he’s arrested.
A.J. Pierzynski. Right next to the “poke” button is the oft-forgotten “Barrett” button.
Joel Larway. Curling is a highly underappreciated sport.
Joakim Noah. I gotta have someone handy for frizzy hair control tips.
Maria Sharapova, for her sparkling personality and strong political views. No really, I promise.
TOPIC 2: THE D-BACKS CRUSHED THE CUBS IN THE PLAYOFFS. HOW DOES THAT AFFECT THIS WEEKEND’S SERIES?
It doesn’t. Since there are only three games, Piniella can’t “Save Zambrano” for a potential Game 4.
Augie Ojeda will come back to bite us in the calf, ’cause he’s still very small.
Fukudome and Zambrano will be up late making prank phone calls to D-back hotel rooms.
When we sweep the D-backs, we don’t automatically go to the NLCS.
You had to bring that? I’ll bet Soxman is behind this question. I’ll be drowning away my sorrows.
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TOPIC 3: THE WNBA OFFERS ROOKIES HOUR-LONG COURSES ON MAKEUP AND FASHION. WHAT’S ONE OF THE TIPS?
A lesson on hair products that can tame those pesky breakaways.
WNBA + anything (especially this) = “Juwanna Mann” reference.
The Don Imus Fashion Institute recommends a no-cornrow policy.
Remember ladies, wear mascara that won’t run. It isn’t pretty otherwise.
If a WNBA star puts makeup on in an empty arena, does anyone really see it? TOPIC 4: PERFORMING CIRCUMCISIONS. PREACHING TO PRISONERS. WHAT CAN’T GATORS QB TIM TEBOW DO?
Drive a boat while intoxicated.
Wow … seriously? … He talked to prisoners?!
Rub his stomach and pat his head while saying “Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers” five times fast.
He can’t be drafted by the Bears. Jerry Angelo isn’t quite that smart.
Replace Soriano, Tyrus Thomas, Grossman and all of the Blackhawks. Oh, you said CAN’T, sorry.
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SPORTS-RELATED COMMERCIAL AND WHY?
Real. Comfortable. Jeans. Brett Favre for Wranglers. Enough said.
Despite double-fisted, 6-shooter prowess, Swisher plays awfully shallow with Vernon Wells up.
Valtrex commercials. Apparently you have to have the herp to kayak and mountain bike.
The new White Sox commercials. Feel the passion … to be under .500.
Why is Kobe Bryant jumping over a car? Jump on over here and write your friend Matt a check.