It’s getting close to tourney time! Let’s check in with our Leo and Supriya, who were rooting for Northwestern and Illinois. Now who likes which team? Eh, doesn’t matter. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Leo Ebersole
Supriya Doshi
Phillip Thompson
Tracy Swartz
Jimmy Greenfield
TOPIC 1: GIVE US AN UPDATE ON YOUR FAVORITE COLLEGE BASKETBALL TEAM.
After Thursday’s loss, Northwestern’s going to take some well, well, well-deserved time off.
The Illini won Thursday! That’ll have to hold me over till next season.
Norfolk State played its MEAC opener Thursday. Don’t tell me about it until 2010.
The Florida players are the Bubble Boys. What a bunch of moops.
Kansas is just fine thanks to great call girls. Or ball girls. I may have misheard.
TOPIC 2: WHY HAVE NCAA TOURNAMENT RATINGS DROPPED 12 PERCENT OVER THE PAST THREE YEARS?
Because more people are turning to Communism. Obviously.
Jo Noah’s hair turned off viewers two years in a row.
I blame the writers’ strike.
Confused Illini fans kept tuning in to “So You Think You Can Dance.”
Not enough cowbell.
TOPIC 3: HOW SHOULD MARRIED SPORTS FANS SETTLE DISPUTES?
First one to threaten to hire Kevin Federline’s attorney wins.
Pick a side: Cubs vs. Sox. The first team to make it to the World Series wins.
If counseling fails, you have to consider trades and free agency.
They should learn to root for more than one team. Isn’t that polygamy?
More cowbell.
TOPIC 4: HOW DOES THE SPORTS WORLD RELATE TO LAW ENFORCEMENT?
One has people who carry guns and think they’re all-powerful. The other is law enforcement.
Sports stars keep the police in business.
Both use terms like “shooter,” “steals,” “offense” and “urine test.”
No Chicago teams ever have a 5-0 start. Except for NU’s ham radio team. Mmm, bacon.
Athletes have tickets, cops have the ability to look the other way. A perfect match.
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN IN A CUBS-SOX SPRING TRAINING GAME?
A bench-clearing brawl. Given the number of bench players on both teams, it could take a while.
They both lose. Hey, with the Cubs and Sox, anything’s possible.
The hot air from Ozzie, Lou and Carlos Zambrano could destroy the fragile desert ecosystem.
Schadenfreude: Curse of the Silly Gloat.
Nuclear holocaust.
Do you know the mutton man, the mutton man, the mutton man? That hirsute chap is Peter Storms, a musical director at the Noble Fool Pheasant Run Resort and husband of Ariane Nelson. FYI, Russell Hill is a police officer, so you have the right to remain funny. (Arrest us, Russ!)
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Edward Adams
Russell Hill
Ariane Nelson
Peter Storms
Soxman
TOPIC 1: GIVE US AN UPDATE ON YOUR FAVORITE COLLEGE BASKETBALL TEAM.
Well, as soon as Illinois is eliminated, I’ll be preparing to watch spring football practice.
Enjoy Derrick Rose now. Next year he’ll be wearing Starbury’s number and playing in the Garden.
I’m from Canada. I’m a hockey girl.
I haven’t had a favorite college basketball team since I was in college. I hear they’re doing fine.
Attendance is skyrocketing in the 40+ female demographic for the Houston Cougars.
TOPIC 2: WHY HAVE NCAA TOURNAMENT RATINGS DROPPED 12 PERCENT OVER THE PAST THREE YEARS?
Because they don’t play the song “One Shining Moment” anymore.
Championship Week is overkill leading up to the Big Dance. Do we need bowl games in hoops too?
I’m from Canada. Is that a good enough excuse for not knowing?
Viewers are realizing what a waste of time and money it is to be obsessed with children’s sports.
NCAA? I dunno, you would think a No Cubs Are Allowed tourney would draw more interest.
TOPIC 3: HOW SHOULD MARRIED SPORTS FANS SETTLE DISPUTES?
Sports marriage counseling with Ronnie Woo Woo and Soxman as marriage counselors.
The loser springs for beer and pizza, hands over the remote, and SHUTS UP.
I’m watching the game! Get your own damn beer!
The same way they settle any dispute: rock, paper, scissors.
Referring to the bedroom as “the UFC octagon” is a start.
TOPIC 4: HOW DOES THE SPORTS WORLD RELATE TO LAW ENFORCEMENT?
Corruption among all three major sports seems to be law enforcement’s rival (i.e. Bud Selig).
Ask Michael Vick, he just switched teams, uniforms and numbers.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Much in the same way that Jerry relates to Tom.
Shaq’s most qualified to answer that question. Or to the flipside, Clemens and Bonds perhaps?
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN IN A CUBS-SOX SPRING TRAINING GAME?
Bill Murray signs with both teams and plays for both. Top that, Billy Crystal!
A lot of spittin’, a lot of scratchin’, a lot of stretchin’, and that’s just Ozzie and Lou.
Everyone is shirts!
Cubs lose. Oh, wait, I thought you asked “what WILL happen …” Darn Cubs.
“Testicular torsion.” Sorry Felix, now you know how Cubs fans feel every October.