“Do you think you could win every tournament you play in?”
Tiger Woods: “That’s my intent.”
— Feb. 24, 2008
Holy mother of golf, he won again on Sunday. That makes five in a row for Mr. Tiger Woods. He hasn’t lost in 2008.
Now the guy already is being asked if he might shoot for a perfect season … you know, like the New England Patriots did. Being asked if he could win every single time.
Maybe he will.
“If you don’t believe you can win an event,” Woods said after winning a rich match-play thing in Arizona, “don’t show up.”
Let that be a golf lesson to the rest of you.
If you don’t think you can beat him, don’t bother joining him. It’s over before it’s over. Stay home. Clean your clubs.
A quick look at what’s left for 2008 and yes, you can see why Woods could win them all. It’s downhill from here.
April 10-13, The Masters, Augusta National, Augusta, Ga.Tiger tries on a green jacket before the Masters begins, just to save time. He picks out a 42 regular and tells them to put it in the trunk of his car.
PGA Tour officials force him to go out and actually play the golf course. Woods shoots 75 to prove he is made of flesh and blood, not filled with “nuts and bolts,” as Stewart Cink recently suggested.
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Tiger finishes 64-62-60 to win by 20 shots. A rainy day in Georgia rusts his nuts and bolts, but he wins anyhow.
May 8-11, The Players Championship, TPC Sawgrass, Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla.
Woods phones in a 65 to win. Literally. He uses a ship-to-shore radio from his yacht, docked near Nassau, to phone in each of his shots.
A protest by Phil Mickelson that a golfer must be required to attend a tournament in person is ignored.
June 12-15, U.S. Open, Torrey Pines, San Diego, Calif.
To tie Byron Nelson’s record of 11 tournament victories in a row, Woods agrees to Mickelson’s dare that he play barefoot and with one hand tied behind his back.
A spectator disrupts a putt at the 18th green. It angers Tiger, who begs San Diego to stay classy.
June 26-29, Buick Open, Warwick Hills, Grand Blanc, Mich.
Tiger wins again, but not before expressing his huge disappointment with each citizen of the United States who still hasn’t had the good sense to go out and buy a Buick.
The PGA slaps Woods with a $100,000 fine for “disrespecting other kinds of cars.”
July 10-13, John Deere Classic, TPC Deere Run, Silvis, Ill.
Michelle Wie finally wins a men’s PGA tournament, but only thanks to a sponsor’s exemption that permits her to stand on Woods’ shoulders while he hits the ball.
Wie thus becomes the first female golfer to win a men’s tournament while being carried by a guy.
July 17-20, British Open, Royal Birkdale, Lancashire, England.
Paul McCartney makes a $100 billion bet that Woods won’t win the tournament, thereby risking close to half of the alimony demanded by Heather Mills.
Woods does win. He uses a portion of his winnings to purchase Wales.
Aug. 7-10, PGA Championship, Oakland Hills, Bloomfield Township, Mich.
Tiger’s winning streak is in jeopardy when he trails Mickelson by two going into the 72nd hole. But everything changes when Mickelson’s tee shot goes off a tree, then a tent, then off the windshield of a car owned by a woman from Flint.
Woods aces the par 4 with a bunker rake, just to rub it in.
Aug. 18-24, Olympic Games, Beijing.
Tiger takes the gold medal in men’s basketball, edging Argentina in overtime 90-89.
“I told you, if you don’t think you can win,” he says, “don’t show up.”
Aug. 25-28, Democratic National Convention, Denver.
Woods accepts the nomination to be Barack Obama’s running mate, infuriating Republican challenger John McCain, who screams at Obama: “I asked him first!”
In a related development, the New York Times reports a suspected relationship between Obama and a lobbyist representing Nike.
Sept. 4-7, BMW Championship, Bellerive, St. Louis.
Although he is clearly upset by the Tournament Formerly Known as the Western Open being moved out of the Chicago area, Woods enters it and wins. He is appeased by an announcement that the 2009 event plans to return to Lemont as the BMW Diablo Cody Classic.
Sept. 18-21, Ryder Cup, Valhalla, Louisville.
The defending champion Euro team stands in awe after its stunning Ryder Cup defeat by a U.S. team made up of Tiger Woods and a half-dozen Churchill Downs jockeys.
U.S. captain Paul Azinger says: “I have never seen Tiger with such a good short game.”
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Oct. 16-19, Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals for Children Open, TPC Summerlin, Las Vegas.
Raising a bundle for charity while winning yet another PGA Tour event, Woods also makes a music video with Timberlake called “9-Iron in a Box” that is expected to win each of them a Grammy.
Tiger announces that he probably will skip the Miley Cyrus Miniature Golf Pro-Am as well as the Lindsay Lohan Skins Game later in the month.
Oct. 21-30, World Series, Chicago.
Woods defeats the Cubs all by himself in Game 4, so far in front after six innings at Wrigley Field that the rest of the series is called off.
Asked if he could also enter and win the Tour de France, the X Games and the Ultimate Fighting Championship, he replies: “That’s my intent.”
He just might.
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