Let me tell you what the Chicago Bulls have.
They have the lovely LuvaBulls cheerleaders, the flabby Matadors cheerleaders, the IncrediBulls crowd-pleasers, the Bulls Brothers entertainers, the Bucket Boys drummers and the mascots Benny the Bull, Li’l Benny, Big Ben and Benny Jr.
Now let me tell you what the Bulls do not have.
They do not have anybody who can shoot a basketball.
And what Chicago has is a team in serious, urgent, call-911 trouble here, my friends.
Your latest proof: Saturday’s sorry 85-78 loss to Isiah Thomas’ dysfunctional, knuckleheaded New York Knickerbockers in a matinee at Madison Square Garden.
These guys shoot like Shaquille O’Neal in oven mitts.
Not a ball shot by a Bull found a net in the game’s last 4 minutes 10 seconds.
Not a dunk, not a bank, not a put-back, not a hook, not a jumper pumped in the paint, not a three-point try nor a heave from half-court.
Nothing but three free throws by Andres Nocioni, period. There you have it, your Bulls offense, ladies and gentlemen.
And this came against a Knicks team that had blown eight in a row, a team whose ticked-off fans recently took up a chant that went, “Fire Isiah!”
“I do understand the venom and the anger,” Thomas said a day before his hometown Bulls hit the Big Apple.
It shouldn’t be long before the Bulls feel some. This team is a train wreck. Its record is 2-9. Nobody can shoot. Everybody looks half a step slow.
Luol Deng is dinged up. The coach is on Tyrus Thomas’ case for lack of effort. Highly regarded rookie Joakim Noah’s contribution to the first 11 games has been 24 points.
Bull’s-eye Ben Gordon can’t hit the broad side of a barn. Kirk Hinrich is more miss than hit. Ben Wallace spent 43 minutes on the court Saturday and slammed home all of six points.
With the ballgame on the line, score tied 73-73, to whom did the Bulls turn? Why, of course, to the go-to guy:
Thabo Sefolosha.
A frozen rope of a shot by the man from Switzerland nearly missed the rim. Next trip down the court, Sefolosha aimed and fired from about 12 feet. He missed by a good 12 inches.
There was 1:40 left on the clock when TV commentator Red Kerr, a very loyal fan and not exactly a critic, commented, “Uh, they might want to put Joe Smith in there.”
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They did.
Didn’t matter. Coach Scott Skiles can search up and down that bench of his for someone who can make a shot. He might as well be a guy with a Geiger counter who is trying to find a coin buried in the sand at the beach.
Unable to count on anyone else, Skiles rolled the dice with Sefolosha, who usually watches most of each game from the bench.
The player shooting the ball at crunch time for him Saturday has 15 baskets this season in 52 shots.
Of course, on the Bulls, this practically makes him a marksman. Li’l Benny and the Matadors could outshoot these guys.
This kind of thing goes on night after night now with the Bulls — or, as colleagues of mine like to call them, the Team That Doesn’t Need Kobe Bryant.
Regressing to the level of several years ago, the Bulls have just lost to the Nuggets by 21 points, the Lakers by 28 and the Raptors by 30.
Yet some of you still believe this roster as presently constituted could regroup and ultimately contend against the Spurs, Mavericks and Suns?
Man, your headbands must be on too tight.
Knicks opponents lick their chops for a chance to play them. These worms from the Big Apple have been fouling up the Garden for most of this millennium. There hasn’t been a Knicks team with a winning record since 2001.
Stephon Marbury walked out on his teammates recently. Boo birds have been giving president-coach Thomas the business as the Knicks lost by 32, then by 26, then fell behind in their next game by 21. Thomas may have been a loss away from being fired.
Then into town came the disappointing Bulls.
Disappointed with their contracts, disappointed with those Bryant rumors, disappointed with certain comments from their coach.
But there is only one thing the Bulls need to be truly disappointed in, and that is themselves.
Whatever strengths this squad possessed at the end of last season no longer exist. Almost everybody’s scoring average is down. Nocioni looked like the only guy out there with a heartbeat. He scored 23 of the starting lineup’s 60 points and had more rebounds than Eddy Curry did.
Skiles was asked a couple of days ago about the Knicks’ woes. He said:
“I don’t think I’m in any position to talk about anybody’s team. We just want to get our own house in order.”
I’m sorry to report the House of Bulls is crumbling.
This season is 11 games old … and just about over.
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