Don’t worry, all the Cubs need to do to win the World Series now is take 11 of their next 17 games.
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Piece of cake.
Of course, this assumes the Cubs can find a fourth starting pitcher somewhere, unless Lou Piniella’s master plan is to have Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly and Rich Hill pitch all 17 of these games before their limbs fall off like October leaves from trees.
And this assumes the Cubs can beat the venom out of those Diamondbacks and get Alfonso Soriano, Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez to lash out in a way they didn’t do in the Arizona desert, where each of these dangerous guys stood at home plate as erect as a cobra but rarely struck.
It certainly assumes a loud, proud home crowd in the enchanted kingdom of Wrigley Field will have an influence on the Cubs’ reversing their curse, now that the whole world is lampooning its favorite franchise once again.
“Cubs Useless Beyond September,” read a handmade sign Thursday night of a clever boy too young to know what an acronym is.
Children can be cruel.
An adult female in the Chase Field stands was no less witty, holding up a drawing of a goat.
“I’m Baaaaaack!” hers read.
Curse you, too, lady.
Wasn’t it only 72 hours ago when the word on the street was what a super ballclub the Cubs had, how “next year” is here, how the pitching is in such good hands with Zambrano and Lilly, how the bullpen is cool because Carlos Marmol is unhittable, how the A-Sor, A-Ram and D-Lee trio formed a murderer’s row the likes of which we haven’t seen since Capone croaked?
Where did that Cubs club go?
OK, so it only lost two games. But this series is a best-of-five, my friends. So if you hear Piniella say “there’s a lot of baseball left” once more, you have Major League Baseball’s official permission to groan.
Saturday’s game at Wrigley is scheduled to begin at 5:07 p.m., no doubt with the customary fanfare, buildup, blimp shots, TV montages, “this is a magical place” tributes and camera pans to fans in fake Harry Caray eyeglasses the size of welding masks.
Funny banners featuring a goat stepping on a snake will be welcome.
The game is expected to end before the bedtime of small kids and grandparents, contrary to Game 2, which was televised on TBS and dragged on and on and on beyond the hour of Conan O’Brien’s show, past Jimmy Kimmel’s show and possibly well into the first few minutes of the next day’s Oprah’s.
Rich Hill will be on the hill for the home nine. On his left arm, in his October debut, rides the fate of the 2007 Cubs.
His worthy opponent will be Livan Hernandez, a right-hander who has been around for so long he might have thrown an inning in that last World Series game at Wrigley Field back in 1945. Livan is rumored to be slightly younger than the ivy.
“Let’s see what happens in our home park and go from there,” Piniella said after the 3-1 and 8-4 flops in Phoenix, where more than 48,000 fans cheered for their heroes, Chris Who, Stephen What and Doug I Don’t Know.
Careers are on the line this day. If the Cubs lose and this season ends, is Jim Hendry a lock to be back as general manager? Could we see Ryan Dempster retreat from relief pitching and return to starting? Could you kiss Jason Kendall goodbye? Jacque Jones? Jason Marquis?
Quite possibly the Cubs will extend this series to five games. Their home park could be good for what ails them, even though it sure didn’t help in 2003 when all they needed to do at Wrigley Field was win either Game 6 or Game 7.
Zambrano also lost Game 5 of that series in Florida, reason number 9,999 why the Cubs didn’t go to the World Series that year.
As you know, Big Z was breezing along a couple of nights ago, matching Arizona ace Brandon Webb (Big W?) out for out, when Piniella went to his postseason strategy of having his best starting pitcher take the rest of the night off after six innings. This must be a new approach where your ace is required only to work two-thirds of a game.
Evidently the purpose of this was to keep Zambrano as fresh as a daisy for a Game 4 that won’t necessarily be played.
It certainly didn’t occur to everyone infected with Cubs Fever that the team could find itself in this fix.
“Sometimes you go up against a buzz saw,” Lee said, inadvertently conjuring up an image of a Cub tied to a conveyor belt, on its way toward a whirring blade.
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Not only do the Cubs need to win three in a row, they would need to beat buzz saw Webb in one of them. They also would need to overcome a hostile, curse-mocking, goat-baiting crowd in Arizona to win the final one.
The everlasting image of 2003’s pain was that of Moises Alou, outraged in the outfield, flapping his arms angrily because a well-meaning Wrigley fan might (or might not) have interfered with a foul ball.
The everlasting image of 2007’s season could turn out to be that of Ted Lilly, livid at himself on the Diamondbacks’ diamond.
Whenever you feel that everything is cool and calm with the Cubs, confident, self-assured, you get a reminder that nerves are jangled and emotions are running high.
Mark Prior had to regain his focus and composure after Alou’s agitation got that entire 2003 mob worked up. Just as teammates had to try to maintain their concentration Thursday night after observing their own pitcher go ballistic in front of the whole world.
Baseball is a game of momentum and confidence. Whatever amounts of either the Cubs had, they have lost.
The goat isn’t baaaack.
But it’s looking baaaaad.
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