It’s funny how actually learning the facts about STDs makes a person want to become a born-again virgin.
After RedEye ran its story last week on how using condoms doesn’t completely protect you from a host of unpleasant STDs, a friend said to me: “Nice story. Were you trying to scare everyone to death?”
Not intentionally–but would that be a bad thing?
Like the doctor in the article said, most people wait until symptoms appear in private places before they get educated about the risks of having multiple partners–even with condoms. This is especially bad because most of the time, symptoms are undetectable.
Somewhere in our minds, most of us know that STDs are a risk. Sure, they can be passed on to our future kids or even kill us–but that same blind trust that helped us stumble home safely from all those parties in college still applies, right? I mean, it’s 4 a.m. Saturday, and it feels so good when that guy or girl is kissing you. Who wants to stop and think about giving their future kid syphilis?
Except that’s the thing. You have to think about that. You can’t just pretend it’s not a risk or tell yourself it’s safe because you used a condom. Is something in passing really worth the damage it could cause in your future relationships?
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My friends and I have been talking about this a lot lately. Why is it so hard to communicate these things to your partner? It’s responsible, mature and empowering. Still, your tongue gets tied when it’s time to throw it out there. Here are our best thoughts on why we’re all screwed before we take our clothes off:
– You’re not going to interrupt a one-night stand to ask if your partner has genital herpes. You just have to avoid casual sex forever, or keep the numbers low and play the odds.
– You’re not going to hand all prospective dates a sexual history questionnaire and demand a medical release. (It could be a great Web service, though. Nobody steal my idea!)
– It seems almost rude to ask a partner if he or she has an STD. Because people who have STDs are unfairly stigmatized, you don’t want to insult your partner. But if you don’t ask, you don’t know what you’re getting into. It’s either: Hold off on sex until you are comfortable enough to talk about it, or get the question out of the way early and risk freaking out your partner.
– The dating scene perpetuates the problem. There’s this whole culture of expectations (i.e., by Date 2 we’ll kiss, by Date 3 we’ll be horizontal, by Date 4 the neighbors will complain about the noise). Instead of getting to know the person and developing each other’s trust, people measure the other’s interest by how far they are getting in bed. Unfortunately or not, this means you’ll have to refocus your dating efforts on personality. Or if love makes you run for cover, maybe just get a committed sex friend.
– If you already have an STD, it’s frustrating to have to tell every person you will ever be with about it for the rest of your life. It’s upsetting to fall for someone and worry that he or she will find out about it and ditch you. But at least it weeds out a lot of shallow losers.
It’s a lot to think about, and it isn’t easy. In fact, it IS scary. But it doesn’t mean we should avoid good times. We just have to weigh the consequences.
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