Dear Ann Landers: This is in response to “No Idiot in Arizona,” who said her doctor assumed she was mentally incompetent because she had physical problems. The doctor directed his questions to her son instead of to her, and she was justifiably insulted.
However, there may be another side to the story. My 92-year-old mother is in perfect mental health, but she refuses to acknowledge her physical problems. She insists that her daily medication is a “vitamin” and that her asthma is simply a “cough.” I now accompany her to every doctor’s appointment in order to know what’s really going on. My mother is also hard of hearing, and the doctor occasionally must address his questions to me because my mother either doesn’t hear him or misunderstands. My 87-year-old father-in-law had the family in an uproar when he said his doctor diagnosed him with a rare kidney disease and cancer. When my husband went along to the next appointment, the doctor informed him that Dad kept requesting examinations when there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. He had neither kidney disease nor cancer. My husband says he will tag along on future medical appointments in order to keep his father “honest.”
For seniors like my mother, admitting to a physical handicap is a sign of weakness. Others, like my father-in-law, crave the attention that illness can bring. Sometimes it is necessary for the doctor to direct his questions to someone who will listen and make sure all instructions are followed properly.
— Sue in Illinois
Dear Sue: You have made some valid points, and there are indeed times when it is necessary for the doctor to talk to someone other than the patient. However, unless the doctor has a good reason to direct his questions to a third party, it is rude and insulting to ignore the patient, no matter how elderly or infirm.
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Dear Ann Landers: I have been involved with a married man for two years. I dated “Jerry” when we were younger, but we broke up, and I married someone else. I am now divorced and seeing Jerry again. I love him, and he says he loves me.
Jerry claims he is separated from his wife. However, I do not have his home phone number, nor have I ever been invited to his apartment. He never takes me anywhere his friends or family socialize. Our time together consists of restaurant meals or candlelit dinners at my place.
I know this sounds suspicious, but when I stop taking his calls, Jerry panics. He sends me flowers and candy, and begs me to take him back. I always do. I am certain his marriage is over, yet I am less sure that our relationship is going anywhere. What approach can I use to solidify this arrangement?
— Georgia Peach
Dear Georgia: The only solid arrangement you are going to have is as his “mistress.” Either Jerry is lying about his separation, or he has no intention of making you part of his life. Regardless, he is still married, and you have no business dating him. Disentangle yourself soonest, and move on.
Dear Ann Landers: As a single woman living alone, I read with interest the letter from “Single and Safe in Virginia,” which listed security measures women can take to protect themselves. May I add one more?
Please tell single women to get a dog. I have two beautiful dogs rescued from the animal shelter who protect me every day. They make my life infinitely more fun and save my sanity when I am stressed. The time and energy they require is more than made up by their love and loyalty.
— Animal Lover in Pennsylvania
Dear Animal Lover: Adopting a dog from a shelter not only will save the animal’s life, it will also enhance your own. Thanks for a great suggestion.
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