Dear Ann Landers: I was appalled by your answer to “Content in Marina Del Rey, Calif.,” who was glad to be done with sex after 40 years of “six times a week and twice on Sunday.” You said, “That is downright abusive, for heaven’s sake,” and added, “You have paid your dues.”
Your response was offensive. The right to say “no” need not be earned. Every woman — and every man — should be able to decline sex if she (or he) doesn’t feel like it. If a plow horse is hitched to a race horse, neither will be happy. There is no “right” or “wrong.” Blame and criticism will not solve the problem. Compromise and accommodation could make it tolerable.
If “Content” has submitted to her husband and remained with him for 40 years, maintaining tight-lipped silence, she has only herself to blame. Instead of making excuses for her bitterness, you should have suggested that counseling might help a couple with disparate sex drives find an acceptable compromise.
And how about a little compassion for “Content’s” husband? Illness robbed him of a life force that was important to him. His wife of 40 years says she’s happy and relieved to be finished with sex. Your comment was, “I’m glad to know he has `slowed down.”‘ I couldn’t believe it. — Albany, N.Y.
Dear Albany: You’re right. My response was neither compassionate nor helpful. I could have done a lot better. Thanks for hauling me up short.
Dear Ann Landers: My father died four years ago, and my 77-year-old mother immediately took up with an old boyfriend. Since then, she has become estranged from her family and won’t listen to any of us.
“Joe” comes to Mom’s house in the morning and stays all day. He watches television, and my mother waits on him hand and foot. She stopped cooking, so they order from fast-food places every night. They are both diabetic, and Joe’s eating habits are terrible. Now, Mom eats a lot of junk food too. Joe has a very gruff personality, and I have noticed that Mom is starting to act nasty to people. Her newspaper carrier told me she isn’t the friendly person she used to be.
Mom is not getting any younger, and her reclusive, anti-social lifestyle has me worried. Lately, she has let her physical appearance go. Please, Ann, how can I get my mother back? — Concerned Daughter in Rhode Island
Dear Concerned Daughter: Your mother should see a geriatrician (a doctor who specializes in treating senior citizens). There are medications that can help her. Please ask her regular physician to step in and add his or her expertise.
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Dear Ann Landers: I am a 19-year-old college student who will be a bridesmaid for my best friend, “Lois.” She is getting married in two months. Aside from the cost of the bridesmaids’ gowns and matching shoes, Lois now says we all must have our hair done by her beautician. The cost is $60.
I know it’s supposed to be Lois’ big day, but I cannot afford such extravagance. My stylist does a beautiful job with my hair for an affordable price, and I see no reason to go to anyone else. I don’t want to offend Lois, but how can I tell her my regular hairdresser will be doing my hair that day? — Bridesmaid in South Carolina
Dear S.C. Bridesmaid: Does Lois understand English? If so, that’s the language to use. No excuse or apology is necessary.
Gem of the Day (sent in by M.L.F. in Perrysburg, Ohio): Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it makes misery easier to live with.