Looking forward to some groovy gifts from the `rents for the holidays this year? We`re willing to bet you know exactly what you want, but that doesn`t mean you`ll get it.
It may be too expensive (a trip to where?), too excessive (how many things are on your list?), too extravag-ant ($125 for sneakers?), too indulgent (your very own phone?) or too extreme (a dog that you`ll adore and care for 24-7-365?). But that doesn`t mean you should throw in the towel.
Getting what you want is an art, and fortunately it`s one that you can acquire, says Lawrence Kutner, a psychologist on the faculty of Harvard Medical School. It`s basically learning the ins and outs of good old-fashioned negotiation, he says.
Negotiating is “an incredibly useful skill, so learn it well,” Kutner says. Here`s his game plan for how to train yourself:
1. Start by looking at your parents` point of view as well as your own, and try to understand it. If you want something incredibly extravagant (like those ski parkas that cost $400), they may think it`s absolutely unreasonable (after all, you`re still growing, or you always trash all your clothes, so why should this be any different?). So consider the alternatives, like a cheaper brand, and be prepared to lower your sights.
2. Think about your parents` needs. Can they really afford all the things you want? Somethings are one-time outlays, like pricey sneakers or in-line skates, but others are an ongoing expense, such as a phone or pet. Can you ask for less (maybe one big thing instead of lots of smaller ones) or contribute to an ongoing expense by pitching in (maybe renounce your allowance or earn extra bucks)?
3. Be realistic about your ability to follow through. Will you really hang up that incredibly costly coat whenever you take it off, or walk, feed and groom a pet every day? And be honest, because if you screw up you`ll lose your credibility (so they won`t believe you next time you want something big).
4. Use a specific strategy and stick to it, but make sure it`s one that will work. With some parents, it`s more effective to ask for five things when you really want one, but other parents get superannoyed and think you`re greedy. Only you can know which way to go by trial and error (watch how your parents react to what you say), so good luck.
5. Know when to call it quits. Sometimes you`re simply not going to get what you ask for, so handle it in a mature way if you want to be taken seriously in the future. In the art of negotiation, you have to learn how to lose well too.
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Strategy is a game all by itself, and it can be confusing. Here`s what has worked for some successful negotiators.
1. No-nonsense deals: Rachel C., a 7th grader at Inter-American Magnet School in Chicago, writes down everything she wants and consults with her parents. Then together they agree on what works for both of them. If it`s something totally extravagant, she earns the right to have it by keeping up her grades, completing all her responsibilities and doing extra chores (like baby-sitting for her little sister).
2. Hard-core bargaining: Chloe K., a 5th grader at Abraham Lincoln Elementary School in Chicago, aims high but settles low, in a very calculated way. She asks for a bunch of little things that come from lots of different places and one big thing that`s fairly easy to find (like a portable CD player). “It`s a lot easier for my parents to get one big thing at a nearby store than go to a ton of shops for lots of little stuff,” she says.
3. Perpetual pestering: Identical twins Micah and Jon-Dagan M., both 13 and 8th graders at Hardy Preparatory School in Chicago, start early and never stop. Two to three months before Christmas, they`ll mention what they really want at every opportunity (like a remote control car, which they got a few years ago), without ever mentioning the holiday itself. “It`s overkill, but it works,” Micah says. Jon-Dagan always adds a few reasons whenever he can to support the purchase (like “if you get me Rollerblades, I`ll be out of your way all the time”). And if you can think of any way to make it seem educational, add it to your rap, he says (like, tell the folks you could play classical music with a CD player or get homework help more easily with your own phone).