No doubt about it, even the best of friends get into fights. And making up is hard to do, but it’s inescapable if you want to have friends. Plus it’s also a skill, says Antoinette Saunders, a Wilmette psychologist and author of “The Stress-Proof Child” (Henry Holt). That means making up is actually something you have to learn how to do. We talked with her and came up with a some pointers:
1. Start with “I’m sorry” and ask your friend if you two can talk things over. Saying you’re sorry can be the hardest part, because your friend might have hurt your feelings too.
2. In your discussion, be clear about what went wrong. Whether you hurt someone’s feelings, didn’t come through for them or didn’t stand up for them, be clear about it and let them know you understand what you did to hurt them. But make sure you discuss what they might have done to hurt you too. Whatever you do, be sure you don’t let the conversation degenerate into placing blame or pointing fingers. Instead of using phrases like “You did this to me” say things like this: “My feelings were hurt when this happened.”
3. When you’re done talking, make a gesture, like shaking hands or hugging your friend, that shows you really mean what you’re saying.