`The Brady Bunch” made it all appear so seamless. One day the lady meets this fellow, and the next thing you know they’re steeped in suburban bliss, with six smiling kids and a housekeeper who apparently have no more problems sharing their split-level than the occasional hilarious wait for Marcia to get out of the bathroom.
A real Mike Brady probably would have a ratty lounge chair from his bachelor days stashed in his office after it was banished from the living room. Or maybe a real Carol Brady’s placid smile would be hiding her disdain at that staircase with the open risers, a constant reminder that she should have spoken up about really wanting to buy a restored Victorian.
That’s because in reality, turning what’s yours and mine into ours is a lot more complex than a sitcom solution.
When individuals or families who have been living in separate homes decide to move in together, they bring more than their possessions; they bring emotions and experiences, says Pamela Evans, who holds a doctorate in interior design and is program coordinator for the interior-design program at Kent State University in Ohio.
That emotional baggage can affect every decision from whether to choose a real or artificial Christmas tree to how to display a prized collection of figurines.
Pam and Dave Schuellerman discovered that when they went shopping for living room furniture when they moved in together two years before their marriage in September.
“We got into a big fight about it in the store,” Pam Schuellerman remembers. “I wanted hunter green and navy blue furniture,” and Dave was “obsessed” with a sage plaid sofa he spotted in the shop window.
Eventually, the Copley Township, Ohio, couple compromised. He got his sofa, and she chose the coffee and end tables.
Communication and compromise are essential to successfully merging two households, say Evans and Sharon Lewis, a family and consumer science agent with the Ohio State University Extension in Portage and Summit counties. So are respect, consideration and simple politeness, Lewis notes.
The goal, both agree, is that everyone needs to feel comfortable in their shared space. That means everyone — children included — needs to take part in the decisions about turning that space into a home.
Before they get to the point of picking out paint colors, though, there are some big preliminary tasks to be handled.
First, of course, is deciding where to live. Evans believes it’s always better to move into a new place rather than into a home one person has been living in, “but that’s not always possible.” What’s important, she says, is that the decision on where to live is made together.
Then, before moving day, possessions need to be weeded out, Lewis and Evans say. “That’s probably the hardest issue, because we all get attached to things,” Evans says.
Evans recommends deciding individually what to take and what to get rid of, then coming together and saying, “This is what I’m bringing with me.”
Be realistic about the limits of storage space and the importance of individual possessions, Lewis cautions.
“I mean, who needs three sets of dishes?” she says. “Sometimes it is better to replace some old junk. . . . You want to start a feel of `This is our home.’ “
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A word of caution, though: Don’t try to make those decisions about your children’s stuff, she says. What may look like a junky set of Happy Meal toys to you may have emotional significance to your 8-year-old.
Once each individual decides what to keep, Lewis says, respect that decision. Allow — even encourage — a child to keep photos of an absent parent in his or her new room, she says. Maybe even help the child make a collage of photos.
“You really have to encourage them to love both parents,” she says.
One way to involve the whole family in the weeding-out process, Lewis says, is to have a yard sale.
Use color-coded price stickers to tell who’s selling what — one color for each person. Kids can put their own stickers on the toys and other items they want to sell, she says; then they can keep the money they earn. Or, all the proceeds can be pooled to buy something that everyone in the new household can enjoy.
Once the decision on what to keep has been made, Evans recommends making an inventory of those possessions. Select what will be used in what room and for what purpose.
Practicality is important here, she says. Maybe your kids know how special Grandma’s needlepoint rug is to you and wouldn’t dream of allowing a can of Coke near it, but don’t expect your new spouse’s children to value it in quite the same way. Rather than risk wear and stains, it may be better to put the rug in a private space, such as a bedroom.
For special items, Evans says, it’s also a good idea to discuss their value and any security factors that need to be considered — such as putting a collection of Hummels out of a toddler’s reach. She says a good way to give everyone a sense of ownership in the special item is to decide as a group how it will be used and perhaps even invest together in something that will help you carry out that decision — in the case of the Hummels, maybe choosing a curio cabinet to display them in.
The next step, Evans says, is deciding together how to redo the space, “even if it’s just putting new paint on the wall.” It’s a decision the whole group needs to make, and it may take compromise, she says.
Consider the items each person brings to the new household to be a jumping-off point for deciding on what new things the family should buy, Evans suggests. Once you have the big items, she says, find inexpensive ways to make it all work together.
That can be a bigger issue than just finding a way to use his green plaid La-Z-Boy and her mauve sofa in the same room. It can entail finding a middle ground that will allow people to combine different decorating tastes and be comfortable with the results.
If you have enough rooms, perhaps they can be decorated in different styles, Lewis suggests — a sleek, stark living room, perhaps, and a family room with ruffles and frills.
Or you can find ways to pull divergent styles together. Slipcovers, accessories, throw pillows and table runners are just some of the way to accomplish that, Evans says. Perhaps a traditional-style sofa can be slipcovered sleekly in a contemporary fabric to satisfy both traditional and contemporary tastes, she says, or a tabletop can corral small collectibles.
That’s a problem the Schuellermans faced in merging their lives. “I have the tendency to be knickknacky,” confides Pam Schuellerman. Her husband’s response to that assessment: “Ugh.”
On the other hand, Dave Schuellerman had some beer steins, ceramic items and other special things he didn’t want to part with. Pam thought they were hideous.
Again, they compromised. She confines her cow figures, cat pictures, refrigerator magnets and other doodads mainly to the kitchen, and he gets to display his special items on a bookshelf in the spare bedroom.
If you find you’re having trouble making your things work together, Kent State’s Evans says it’s time to turn to an interior designer.